What's YOUR Horoscope for Today?
by SpiritDetective
Summary: A songfic based on "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Your Horoscope for Today" Deals with the Divination Classroom.


Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter related material. All Harry Potter characters and items are Owned By J.K. Rowling. The song is by "Weird Al" Yankovic.  
  
This is just a stress buster for me. I was tired of doing the long serious works. So I decided to take a break and write a more humorous shorter fic. I'll be back doing normal things soon enough.  
  
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Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in Trelawney's classroom. "This is so stupid." Said Hermione. "Yeah tell me about it." Ron replied. "How's this going to help us at all in life?" Harry inquired. Suddenly Prof. Trelawney loomed over them. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING." She screamed "You are SUPPOSED to be reading horoscopes! NOT Talking! Is this some sort of song class?" "Now that you mention it.... That's not a bad idea!" Replied Harry.  
  
Harry twirled his wand about . Suddenly music started playing. He jumped up on one of the desks and burst into verse:  
  
"Aquarius!  
  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
  
Fill that void in your life by playing, Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day!"  
  
Ron then joined him singing:  
  
"Pisces!  
  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  
  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say!  
  
Aries  
  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon!  
  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep!"  
  
Hermione transfigured a crystal ball in the corner into a giant orb of glowing light. Which cast beams of multi-colored light in every direction. She then sang:  
  
"Taurus!  
  
You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?  
  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep!"  
  
Then all three of them sang together, with suuport of background singers Dean,Seamus, and Neville:  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
Harry did a backflip, kicking one of the crystal balls which went flying into the wall and smashed into hundreds of peices. While, Hermione pulled a tea cup of the shelf and turned it into a pheonix which flew around the room, before explodig in a dazzling array of light.  
  
Harry then sang:  
  
"Gemini  
  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence  
  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest!"  
  
Hermione leapt in front of him singing:  
  
"Cancer!  
  
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud  
  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test!"  
  
Ron jumped of a shelf landing right in the middle of a stack of books on Dream reading. He jumped up singing:  
  
"Leo!  
  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no  
  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik"  
  
Harry launched off the desk landing on a empty chair. He straightened up sining:  
  
"Virgo  
  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you  
  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick!"  
  
Then everyone sang:  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
Hermione said very fast:  
  
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely   
  
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have   
  
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,   
  
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions   
  
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have   
  
to be some kind of moron not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true!  
  
Where was I?  
  
Then Dean sang:  
  
"Libra!  
  
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you  
  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week"  
  
Neville jumped up singing:  
  
"Scorpio!  
  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window  
  
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak!"  
  
Then Seamus started singing:  
  
"Sagittarius!  
  
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)  
  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den"  
  
Hermione summoned a crystal ball into her hand and trasfigured it into a giant dico ball. She suppended it mid-air before singing:  
  
"Capricorn  
  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying  
  
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again."  
  
Then all six of them wrapped up singing:  
  
"That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
  
That's your horoscope for today  
  
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)  
  
That's your horoscope for today!"  
  
Silence settled before Neville looked around and said "Ha! I wonder, if Professor Trelawney predicted THAT!"  
  
All six laughed. Then they surveyed the mess around them. Harry said "I know what to do. RUN!!!!" Then Harry, Hermione, Ron, Seamus, Dean, ans Neville bolted down the trapdoor and out of sight.  
  
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Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter related material. All Harry Potter characters and items are Owned By J.K. Rowling. The song is by "Weird Al" Yankovic.  
  
This is just a stress buster for me. I was tired of doing the long serious works. So I decided to take a break and write a more humorous shorter fic. I'll be back doing normal things soon enough. 


End file.
